Fun 201: How To Have A Pet

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A pet is always worthwhile if you can afford and have time for them

Pets have been scientifically proven to give people healthier and longer lives

  • Playing with puppies and kittens relieves stress, but also helps students perform better on tests

Get a pet, especially a dog, if you want to practice for children

Get a pet that matches your commitment level

Researching what an animal needs before getting one

  • Some animals are very social and need plenty of attention while others are antisocial
  • Learn the types of food they eat or can’t process
  • Observe necessary living conditions like climate or humidity

Try adopting an abandoned pet in January instead of getting a new one if you’re near the holiday season

If possible, avoid a purebred dog

  • Dog breeding is a relatively new practice that creates genetically unhealthy dogs
  • Full-breed dogs are genetically stunted and live shorter lives with many more ailments than mixed dogs
  • Mutts have better personalities, a higher lifespan, and a happier life

Make a pet shelter

  1. Place styrofoam insulation inside a plastic container
  2. Put a second plastic container inside
  3. Pad the container with straw
  4. Make a hole through to the inside

Learn the basis for animals’ instincts

Dogs

  • Dogs are descendants of wolves bred to stay as adolescents
  • Dogs circle several times before lying down to brush away debris where they’re sleeping
  • Dogs eat poop to cover their pack’s trail
  • Dogs feel anxiety if they’re alone because they’re pack animals
    • Dogs are more like codependent gang members than children
  • If you need a dog to come back, chasing them makes them think you’re playing, so pretend you’re hurt instead
  • Dogs need constant exercise and grow anxious without enough

Cats

  • Cats don’t need people and only stay around because people keep feeding them
  • Cats close their eyes to show comfort
  • Cats make their hair stand on end to appear large to a potential predator
  • Cats give gifts of small animal corpses because they feel you can’t catch prey for yourself
  • Cats rest on warm surfaces like keyboards but prefer a closed surface like a large bowl or shoe box

Learn how to manage pets

Static buildup during thunderstorms puts animals on edge, so run a dryer sheet over their fur

If you feed a small animal when you wake up, they won’t have a reason to wake you up when they grow older

Get rid of pet hair on carpets and furniture by running a hard flat surface like a squeegee across it

Make a disposable scoop by cutting a plastic milk carton handle off at an angle

Eliminate pet odors and freshen up the air by sprinkling baking soda on your carpet where the pet lies and vacuum after an hour

Make a small pet bed by running a pool noodle through the arms of an old sweater, then taping into a donut

If your pet has an encounter with a skunk

  • Rub their fur with a solution of half water and half vinegar, rinse with warm water and repeat as needed
  • If you don’t have vinegar, give a bath in tomato juice

Working with most social animals (e.g., dogs, rats) is rudimentary child psychology

  • Set and vigorously enforce clear boundaries
  • Reward good behavior and punish bad behavior
  • Your success comes from how consistent you can make rewards and punishments

Training a cat is extremely difficult, but is possible

  • Cats stay off and don’t scratch surfaces sprayed with vinegar
  • Stick the end of toilet paper inside a toilet roll to keep a cat from unrolling it
  • Find out if cats use a litter box by drawing a shape in it
  • Get rid of cat litter odors by sprinkling a substantial layer of baking soda at the bottom of the litter box
  • Use a laser pointer to get a cat to shut off a light switch

Dogs don’t scratch their ears if you clean their ears with a soft cloth dipped in diluted vinegar

Dogs need maintenance on a hot day

  • Feed ice cubes or ice chips when walking them
  • Fill up a children’s pool with ice and let them jump in
  • Freeze water mixed with chicken stock with toys, carrots, and treats

Finding a lost dog isn’t difficult

  1. Leave an article of clothing worn at least an entire day to the location you last saw your dog
  2. Leave the dog’s favorite crate and toy if it has one
  3. Leave a note requesting people not to move the items
  4. Leave some water and come back intermittently at least once a day

You can hypnotize a chicken for thirty minutes by holding it still and drawing a straight line while the chicken stares at it

Some pets are biologically wired to hate each other

  • Predator animals like cats and prey animals like mice and birds have an instinctual eat/run behavior about the other
  • Territorial animals like dogs have difficulty with other dogs and people they feel are taking over their territory

You might have to put your pet out of its misery

  • Your pet may suffer life-endangering auto accidents, cancer, fights with other animals, or broken bones that guarantee its slow, painful death
  • You can have your pet put to sleep by a veterinarian, but the process is usually more economical and straightforward to kill it yourself
  • If you don’t have the stomach for it, have a vet make a house call to prevent the animal spending its last hour in a place it hates
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