Accounting Jokes

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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

A fool and his money are soon audited.

A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had six months to live.
“Oh, no!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an auditor,” suggested the doctor.
“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”
“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”

An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, “Do you know what I do?’
“Daddy says you’re a CPA.”
“That’s right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?”
“Well, he says you’re a Complete Pain in the Arse.”

Have you heard about the Cannibal Accounting practice?
They charge an arm and a leg.

How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement?
He wears his grey suit instead of the blue.

If an accountant’s spouse can’t get to sleep, what do they say?
Tell me about work today, dear.

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on it’s back.

What did the accountant do to liven up the office party?
He didn’t show up.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
Lost.

What do you call an auditor who can’t audit?
An or.

What do you get when you cross a wild, ferocious, man-eating tiger with an accountant?
A very dull tiger.

What happens when you lock a wild hyena in a room with an accountant?
The hyena stops laughing.

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What’s the definition of an accountant?
A person who only has an opinion when you pay them.

What’s the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.

What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

When do accountants laugh out loud?
When somebody asks for a raise.

Which clients do short accountants like best?
Small businessmen.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work.