Actual Business Signs

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In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

At a liquor store:
ALL FRAMES 40-70% OFF OH WAIT WE DON’T SELL FRAMES

At Fairview Rd. Self Storage:
AS OF 1-1-08 WE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT PAYMENT IN GOATS!

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign on the Lawn at a Drug Rehabilitation Center:
KEEP OFF THE GRASS

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

On a music library door:
BACH IN A MINUET

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
BACK IN FIVE MINUTES. SIT! STAY!

At a Chicago radiator shop:
BEST PLACE IN TOWN TO TAKE A LEAK

At a liquor store:
BLITZEN IS BANNED FROM THE STORE HE KNOWS WHY

On a septic waste truck:
CAUTION: STOOLBUS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

In front of a funeral home:
DRIVE CAREFULLY, WE’LL WAIT

In a restaurant window:
DON’T STAND THERE AND BE HUNGRY. COME ON IN AND GET FED UP

On a plumber’s truck:
DON’T SLEEP WITH A DRIP. CALL YOUR PLUMBER!

Over a gynecologist’s office:
DR. JONES, AT YOUR CERVIX

In a hair salon:
DYE NOW!

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

On an Amish carriage:
ENERGY EFFICIENT VEHICLE: RUNS ON OATS AND GRASS. CAUTION: DO NOT STEP IN EXHAUST

On a Canadian coffee shop:
FARMER BROWNS – THE 3RD BEST CUP OF COFFEE IN NOVA SCOTIA

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

On a scientist’s door:
GONE FISSION

On a plastic surgeon’s office door:
HELLO. CAN WE PICK YOUR NOSE?

In an optometrist’s office:
IF YOU CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE

In a non-smoking area:
IF WE SEE YOU SMOKING WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT

On an electrician’s truck:
LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS

Outside a muffler shop:
NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY. WE’LL HEAR YOU COMING

On a bathroom door:
OUR AIM IS TO KEEP THIS BATHROOM CLEAN
GENTLEMEN – YOUR AIM WILL HELP. STAND CLOSER. IT’S SHORTER THAN YOU THINK
LADIES – PLEASE REMAIN SEATED FOR THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE

On a computer repair shop door:
OUT FOR A QUICK BYTE

In a bowling alley:
PLEASE BE QUIET. WE NEED TO HEAR A PIN DROP

In a butcher’s window:
PLEASED TO MEAT YOU

On a maternity room door:
PUSH, PUSH, PUSH

At a Sonic Drive-In:
ROSES ARE RED SO IS KETCHUP. HAVE A CORNDOG

Pizza shop slogan:
SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT PIZZA MAKES ONE WEAK

In a cafeteria:
SHOES ARE REQUIRED TO EAT IN THE CAFETERIA. SOCKS CAN EAT WHEREVER THEY WANT.

At a car dealership:
THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET – MISS A CAR PAYMENT

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

In a podiatrist’s window:
TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS

On a proctologist’s door:
TO EXPEDITE YOUR VISIT PLEASE BACK IN

In a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

At a police station:
TOILET STOLEN – COPS HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON

At a coffee shop:
UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL BE GIVEN DOUBLE ESPRESSOS AND MADE WILD PROMISES ABOUT WHAT SANTA IS BRINGING THEM

On a septic tank truck:
WE’RE #1 IN THE #2 BUSINESS

On a garbage truck:
WE’VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO TAKE WHAT YOU’VE GOT

At a maternity clothes shop:
WE ARE OPEN ON LABOR DAY

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

At a towing company:
WE DON’T CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG. WE WANT TOWS.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

In a taxidermist’s window:
WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF

On a plumber’s truck:
WE REPAIR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FIXED

On an office door:
WE SHOOT EVERY THIRD SALESMAN. THE SECOND ONE JUST LEFT

At an electric company:
WE WOULD BE DELIGHTED IF YOU SEND IN YOUR PAYMENT. HOWEVER, IF YOU DON’T, YOU WILL BE.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
YESTERDAY’S MEALS ON WHEELS

At a lumber yard:
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID BUT YOU CAN NUMB IT WITH A 2×4

Actual Store Names:
A SALT & BATTERY FISH & CHIPS
CANE & ABLE MOBILITY HEALTHCARE
CARL’S PANE IN THE GLASS
CURL UP & DYE
CYCLOANALYSTS
ENTHAISING
FLORIST GUMP
GET PLASTERED – PLASTERING CONTRACTORS
HAIR WE ARE
JUAN IN A MILLION
LETTUCE EAT
LORD OF THE FRIES
LOX STOCK & BAGEL
LUNA SEA MOTEL
MEAT U THERE
PLANET OF THE GRAPES
RAINBOW RANCH – NOT GAY JUST HAPPY
SOFA SO GOOD
SOON FATT CHINESE TAKEAWAY
WOK THIS WAY