Bar Jokes

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A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

A skunk walks into a bar and says, “Hey, where did everybody go?”

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

Jesus walks into a bar and says, “I’ll just have a glass of water.”

A man walks into a bar and says “Ouch.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, ”I’d like a beer, and one for the road.”

An Irishman walks by a bar…it could happen.

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Four fonts walk into a bar.
The bartender says ”Get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

A baby seal walks into a club…
Terrible Inuit?

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

A potato walks into a bar
When he sat down, all eyes were on him.

A man walks into a wedding reception.
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Is this the punch line?”

A man walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says gruffly, “All right, pal, I’ll let you stay but don’t start anything.”

E-flat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve minors here.”

Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “I’ll serve you a beer, but don’t get any ideas.”

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve food here.”

A rabbi, a clown, and a priest walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A nonrenewable natural resource walks in to a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says “I’m sorry, but I cant serve you. You have been getting wasted all day long.”

A screwdriver walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Mark?”

A man walks into a bar.
He asks the bartender, “Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?”
The bartender shakes his head and says, “No, we only have plain.”

A very pensive man walks into a bar and immediately orders a double-whiskey.
After downing the drink, he starts ranting about how lousy his wife is.
After a few minutes, the bartender finally says, “I don’t understand what you’re complaining about. All the other guys in here only have good things to say about your wife.”

A baby seal walks into a bar
The bartender asks what he would like.
The seal responds, “I’ll have anything as long it is not a Canadian club.”

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a ‘martini’?”
“Look,” Caesar retorts, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”

Two men are sitting at a bar.
One man says, “I slept with my wife before we were married. Have you?”
The other man says, “I don’t know, what was her maiden name?”

A man walks into a bar in Georgia during Christmas season.
He notices a Nativity scene behind the bar where the Three Wisemen are all wearing fireman’s hats.
He asks the bartender why the Magi are wearing fireman’s hats.
The barkeep says, “Well, everyone knows that they came from afar.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse tending the bar.
He stares at the horse for a minute without saying a word.
The horse returns the stare and breaks the silence by asking, “Hey buddy, what’s the matter? You can’t believe that a horse can tend a bar?”
“No”, the man says, “I can’t believe that the ferret sold the place.”

A man walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are worthless losers!”
Another man at the end of the bar says “I object to that remark!”
The other man says “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
The man says “No, I’m a worthless loser.”

An amnesiac walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What can I get you today?”
The amnesiac says, “I don’t know, I have trouble remembering things.”
The bartender says, “Like what?”

A woman and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Where did you get the pig.”
The woman says, “That’s not a pig, that’s a duck.”
The bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A man walks into a small town bar and hears the regulars yelling out random numbers and then everyone laughs.
“What’s going on?” He asks the man next to him.
“The jokes have been told so many times,” the man responded, “that we just yell out their numbers instead of bothering telling them again.”
The man yells out “27!” but nobody laughs.
The man next to him says, “Some people can tell a joke, and some just can’t.”

A man walks into a bar.
He asks for ten shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch.
The bartender pours the shots and the man places them in a row.
Before he drinks them, the man pours the first and last shots on the floor.
The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?”
The man replies, “Well, the first shot always tastes disgusting and the last one always makes me sick!”

A man walks into a bar and sits at a table.
He asks the waitress for a Bloody Mary and a menu.
When she returns with his drink, he asks “Are you still serving breakfast?”
When she says yes, he replies, “Then I’ll have two eggs: runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon on end: well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee.”
Indignantly the waitress responds, “We don’t serve that here!”
Thoughtfully, he responded, “Funny, that’s what I had in here yesterday…”

A man walks into a bar and sits down.
He orders a beer, and another, and another, until finally the bartender asked him to leave.
He walks out the side door and a few seconds later he walks in the front door, and sits down.
He orders a drink, and the bartender asks him to leave.
He gets up, walks out the side door, and comes back in the front door and is asked to leave.
This happens eight more times, and on the ninth, the man exclaims, “How many bars do you work in, man!?”

A small-framed man is sitting at a bar staring despairingly at his drink for half an hour when a big trouble-making biker steps next to him
The man grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The other man starts crying.
“Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,” the biker says. “I didn’t think you’d cry! I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the man between sobs.
“I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!”

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger.
After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun, shooting several holes in the roof.
The panda puts money on the bar and turns to leave.
As the panda leaves, the bartender asked, “Hey, wait a minute! Why did you just shoot up the place?”
The panda responds with, “I’m a panda bear, look it up.”
The bartender pulled out out his dictionary and read the definition.
Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

A priest, a rabbi and a pastor are sitting in a bar across the street from a brothel.
As they sip their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel.
“Oy! It’s awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation”, says the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel.
“Goodness! It’s terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation”, says the pastor.
In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.
“It’s nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins”, says the priest.

A cowboy walks into a bar in the Old West and orders a drink.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, “Where is everybody?”
The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging.” “Hanging? Who are they hanging?”
“Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replies.
“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asks.
“Well,” the bartender responds, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes.”
“Weird guy,” says the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”

A drunk staggers into a bar.
He walks up to three men, points at the one in the middle, and shouts, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!”
Everyone expects a fight, but the man ignores him and the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same man, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sweeet!”
The man refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off again.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!”
Finally the man interrupts, “Go home, dad, you’re drunk!”

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender “I’ll have three rounds, all at once.”
The bartender gets his order but says to the man “Why don’t you order them one at a time? Otherwise, your other ones will go flat.”
The man replies “No, its a tradition. Back in my homeland, my brothers and I would all go to the bar and have a round together. I moved over here a few years ago but I still keep the tradition.”
Touched by the story, the bartender served the rounds, and went about his business.
The Irishman returned for several nights.
One night, the Irishman comes in and only orders two rounds.
The bartender, shaken, asks, “What happened? Did one of your brothers die?”
The Irishman was confused at first, then laughed and replied, “No, my wife made me quit drinking!”

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a man with a dog next to him.
He asks the man, “Hey, does your dog bite?”
“No, he doesn’t,” replies the second man.
“May I pet him?” the man asks.
“Sure,” the second man responds.
The man reaches down to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand.
“Hey!” yells the man, “why did your dog bite me!?”
“Oh,” replied the man, “that’s not my dog.”

A man walks into and sits down at a bar.
He asks the bartender “If I can show you something unbelievable, can I get a free beer?”
The bartender agrees.
The man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar.
The two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley.
A man at the end of the bar said, “That’s amazing! I’ll give you $1,000 for the frogs.”
The first man agreed and the other man took off.
The bartender said to him, “You could have gotten more for the frogs.”
The man said, “Frogs are easy to come by; the hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.
“Hey mister! Nice pants!” it says.
He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off.
After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.
“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”
Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender busy with other customers.
Shaking his head, he sips once more.
“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”
He puts down his drink, frustrated at the phantom voice, and signals to the bartender to come over.
“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”

A duck walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.”
The bartender says, “I don’t sell peanuts.”
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, “I want to buy some peanuts.”
The bartender replies, “I already told you I don’t sell peanuts!” The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks again, “I want to buy some peanuts.”
The bartender yells back, “I told you, I don’t sell peanuts! If you ask me one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall!”
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks, “Do you have any nails?”
The bartender says, “I don’t have nails.”
The duck then asks, “Do you have any peanuts?”

Two men are walking their dogs, a black lab and a Chihuahua.
Passing a bar, the “lab” walker says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The other says, “We can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first one responded, “Watch.”
He walks in and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing eye dog.” the man responds calmly.
“Oh. Sorry. Here’s your beer.” the bartender responds.
The other man follows in suit and orders a beer.
The bartender stops him and says “No dogs allowed.”
“He’s my seeing eye dog.” says the man.
“Yeah, right. A Chihuahua? Give me a break!” says the bartender.
The man exclaimed, “They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!”

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey causes havoc all over the bar.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the man, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?” replied the man.
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the man, “he eats everything in sight. I’m very sorry! I’ll pay for the cue ball and everything else.”
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the man visits the bar again and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did just now?”
“No, what?” replied the man.
“Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first now.”

Two men are drinking at their favorite bar.
The first one turns to the other and says, “You know what? I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I’m going to the college and signing up for some classes.”
The next day, he goes to the college and meets the dean, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” the man says. “What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“Yeah…” he responds.
“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard!” he says.
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, you logically would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”
“I am a heterosexual! That’s amazing! You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater!”
Excited to take the class now, he shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet his friend at the bar. He tells him about his classes, how he signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” his friend says, “What’s that?”
He says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?”
“No.”
“Then you’re obviously gay.”