Chuck Norris Jokes

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  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
  • Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by beta testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
  • Chuck Norris wakes up his alarm clock.
  • Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  • Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise Men, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
  • To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
  • Chuck Norris’ Gmail account is gmail@chucknorris.com.
  • There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  • It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
  • Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
  • If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
  • When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
  • Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
  • Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
  • A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
  • Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany. Therefore, Germany does not exist.
  • If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
  • When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
  • Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
  • If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
  • Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
  • Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
  • Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
  • Chuck Norris invented water.
  • Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour and a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found ‘em!”
  • Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  • Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
  • Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
  • Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
  • In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  • Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  • Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  • Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion, now Neo is “The Two”.
  • Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
  • China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
  • If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
  • When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
  • Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a night-light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but that the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  • There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
  • Chuck Norris never cries. When he’s sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better because he knows he is the only one who can survive the kick.
  • Chuck Norris once threatened to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
  • Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris can urinate into gale force winds.
  • Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
  • After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more “humane”.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
  • Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
  • The quickest way to a man’s heart is Chuck Norris’ fist.
  • Superman wears a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.