Good Insults To Use

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  • A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
  • A couplet short of a sonnet.
  • A day late and a dollar short.
  • A few beers short of a six-pack.
  • A few bricks short of a wall.
  • A few clowns short of a circus.
  • A few escape pods short of an evacuation.
  • A few feathers short of a whole duck.
  • A few frequencies short of a spectrum.
  • A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  • A few open splices.
  • A few peas short of a casserole.
  • A few photons short of a complete hologram.
  • A few pickles short of a jar.
  • A few pies short of a holiday dinner.
  • A few planes short of an Air Force.
  • A few revisions behind.
  • A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
  • A few screws loose.
  • A few tiles short of a successful reentry.
  • A few tractors short of a farm.
  • A few volts below threshold.
  • A flower short of an arrangement.
  • A flying buttress short of a cathedral.
  • A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A little light in the loafers.
  • A one-bit brain with a parity error.
  • A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  • A photographic memory with the lens cover glued on.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • A quart low.
  • A return with no gosub.
  • A teabag short of a pot.
  • A titanic intellect in a world full of icebergs.
  • A tower short of a castle.
  • A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
  • All booster, no payload.
  • All hat and no cattle.
  • All missile, no warhead.
  • All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don’t you send them a penny and square the account?
  • All the personality of saran wrap.
  • All wax and no wick.
  • Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
  • Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
  • Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  • An early example of the Peter Principle.
  • An ego like a black hole.
  • An experiment in artificial stupidity.
  • An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
  • An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
  • And which dwarf are you?
  • And your cry–baby whiny–assed opinion would be…?
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • Are your parents siblings?
  • As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
  • As bright as a tulip bulb.
  • As happy as if he had brains.
  • As sharp as a bowl of Jello, and twice as smart.
  • As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.
  • As smart as bait.
  • Attic’s a little dusty.
  • Back burners not fully operating.
  • Bats in the belfry.
  • Batteries not included.
  • Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
  • Been playing in the pharmacy section again.
  • Been short on oxygen one time too many.
  • Blocked one too many hockey pucks with his head.
  • Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
  • Born a day late and like that ever since.
  • Brain transplant donor.
  • Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  • Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
  • Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
  • Cheez-wiz for brains.
  • Contributes to the population problem.
  • Couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance.
  • Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  • Couldn’t hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.
  • CPU not connected to the bus.
  • Cranio-rectally inverted.
  • Cursor’s flashing but there’s no response.
  • Darwin wept.
  • Depriving some poor village of its idiot.
  • Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  • Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
  • Differently clued.
  • Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
  • Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
  • Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
  • Do you want people to accept you as you are, or do you want them to like you?
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
  • Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
  • Doesn’t have all his groceries in the same bag.
  • Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
  • Doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.
  • Doesn’t have the brain power to toast a crouton.
  • Doesn’t just know nothing; doesn’t even suspect much.
  • Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
  • Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling in your skull?
  • Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
  • Don’t ever change. I always want to be better than you.
  • Donated her body to scientists before she was done using it.
  • Dropped his second stage too soon.
  • Dumber than a box of rocks.
  • During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
  • Earth is full. Go home.
  • Eight pawns short of a gambit.
  • Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
  • End of season sale at the cerebral department.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege.
  • Four cents short of a nickel.
  • Frequently gets lost in thought because it’s unfamiliar territory.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
  • Gavel doesn’t quite hit the bench.
  • Germs must love you, you’re sickening!
  • Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
  • Got a life, but wasn’t sure what to do with it.
  • Got an IQ that’s about room temperature.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
  • Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
  • Has a bad brains-to-testosterone ratio.
  • Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
  • Has a mind like half a dictionary; it never gets to ‘think’.
  • Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
  • Has a wonderful face: one look and people wonder.
  • Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
  • Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
  • Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
  • Has no discretionary intellect.
  • Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
  • Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it’s like watching tennis.
  • Has such a big mouth he could eat a banana sideways.
  • Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
  • Has the IQ of a house plant.
  • Has the IQ of a salad bar.
  • Have you considered suing your brains for non–support?
  • Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
  • He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  • He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
  • He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry and Curly.
  • He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • He forgot to pay his brain bill.
  • He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
  • He has a mind like a steel trap: always closed!
  • He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.
  • He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
  • He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
  • He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • He should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • He took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
  • He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • He’s a self-made man, but he’s the most unskilled workman I’ve ever seen.
  • He’s as sharp as a beach ball.
  • He’s been working with glue too much.
  • He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks, and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a spine.
  • He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
  • He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
  • He’s so dense, light bends around him.
  • Help reduce air pollution – stop breathing!
  • Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
  • Her memory is truly random-access.
  • Her modem lights are on but there’s no carrier.
  • Her sewing machine’s been out of thread for some time now.
  • Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
  • His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
  • His elevator won’t go to the top.
  • His family wasn’t dysfunctional until he arrived.
  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  • His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
  • His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
  • His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
  • His URL doesn’t allow outside access.
  • Horizontally parked in a parallel universe.
  • How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
  • I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
  • I bet your mother has a loud bark!
  • I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
  • I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • I didn’t hit you. I simply high-fived your face.
  • I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  • I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
  • I heard you were at the dog show! Who won second prize?
  • I know why they call this a “blind date”…now that I’ve seen you…I wish I was blind.
  • I like the way you talk, except for two things: my ears.
  • I like you but I don’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
  • I promise not to make fun of your height. I wouldn’t stoop to that.
  • I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • I see you’re playing stupid again. It looks like you’re winning, too.
  • I think he rode the Tilt-a-Whirl too long.
  • I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I refuse to duel with and unarmed person.
  • I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
  • I would not allow this person to breed.
  • I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  • I’d insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.
  • I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth.
  • I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my butt.
  • I’d love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.
  • I’d love to go out with you, but I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
  • I’d say he doesn’t have all his dogs on the same leash.
  • I’d say he’s about one Froot Loop shy of a full box.
  • I’ll never forget the first time we met, although I’ll keep trying.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I’m glad you’re tall. It gives me more to not like about you.
  • I’m not as dumb as you look.
  • I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  • I’m not even going to ignore that.
  • I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • I’ve seen better looking hair in my grandma’s nose.
  • I’ve seen better looking hair in my shower drain.
  • I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
  • If brains were bird droppings, he’d have a clean cage.
  • If brains were lard, he’d be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
  • If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
  • If he had one more neuron, you’d have a synapse.
  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • If his IQ was two points higher he’d be a rock.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used before.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • If I took an aspirin would you go away?
  • If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
  • If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
  • If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive!
  • If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invulnerable.
  • If you stand up next to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
  • Impervious to brain damage.
  • In the shopping mall of the mind, he’s in the toy store.
  • Informationally deprived.
  • Intellectually challenged.
  • IQ lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon-rut.
  • Is it time for your medication or mine?
  • It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
  • It’s okay for you to disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
  • Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  • Just another flash in the bedpan.
  • Just because you’re child was an honor student doesn’t mean you know anything.
  • Knitting with only one needle.
  • Lazier than the guy who created the Japanese flag.
  • Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control!
  • Left his booster on the launch pad.
  • Life by Norman Rockwell, screenplay by Stephen King.
  • Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Lights are on but nobody’s home.
  • Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
  • Looks like he played goalie for the darts team.
  • Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
  • Meandering to a different drummer.
  • Mental software is still in beta test.
  • Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
  • Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  • Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
  • Needs a surge protector so his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
  • Needs another brain to make half-wit.
  • Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
  • No filter in the coffeemaker.
  • No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • Not all people are annoying. Some are dead.
  • Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
  • Not done evolving yet.
  • Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
  • Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
  • Not firing on all four cylinders.
  • Not firmly seated in the socket.
  • Not hard-docked.
  • Not playing with a full deck.
  • Not running on full thrusters.
  • Not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite-won’t-be.
  • Not the brightest crayon in the box.
  • Not the coldest beer in the fridge.
  • Not the quickest tractor on the farm.
  • Not the same since they took him off his medication.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
  • Not worth the price of the bowl of beans it would take to muster up the gas I’d need to fart on him.
  • Nutty as a fruitcake.
  • Of all the people I’ve met you’re certainly one of them.
  • On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
  • On the batting end of a no-hitter.
  • One bit short of a byte.
  • One board short of a porch.
  • One card shy of a full deck.
  • One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
  • One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
  • One ship short of a full fleet.
  • One snowflake short of a ski slope.
  • One taco short of a combination plate.
  • Operating in standby mode.
  • Out there where the buses don’t run.
  • Overdue for reincarnation.
  • Paralyzed from the neck up.
  • People would follow him, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  • Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
  • Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
  • Put a lens in each ear and you’ve got a telescope.
  • Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he’d come in third.
  • Reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  • Reading from an unformatted disk.
  • Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
  • Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
  • Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
  • Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
  • Result of a first cousin marriage.
  • Runs squares around the competition.
  • Sailboat fuel for brains.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • Sat under the ozone hole too long.
  • Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
  • Single-sided, low density.
  • Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
  • Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Smoking, drinking and you. Two things that I love.
  • So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
  • So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
  • So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
  • Some Assembly Required.
  • Some bugs in his software.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
  • Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.
  • Somebody please lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
  • Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
  • Someone blew out his pilot light.
  • Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
  • Sometimes I need what only you can provide: absence.
  • Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
  • Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
  • Sound great when singing solo: so low nobody can hear him.
  • Source code is missing a few lines.
  • Stupidity doesn’t count as a handicap, park elsewhere.
  • Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
  • Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
  • Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
  • Synapses, we hardly knew ye!
  • Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The cables are connected, but there is no current.
  • The cheese slid off his cracker.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • The fan’s working but the freon’s leaked out.
  • The going got weird, and he turned pro.
  • The IQ test results were negative.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  • The last time I saw something like you, it was swinging off a tree branch at the zoo and eating a banana.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
  • The lights are on but no–one’s home.
  • The proctologist called!…they found your head!
  • The spit valve’s fallen off his trumpet.
  • The truth is out there. So what are you doing here?!
  • The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead.
  • There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  • They can’t measure your intellect. The scale won’t go that low.
  • Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
  • Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Took the little bus to school.
  • Train of thought still boarding at the station.
  • Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
  • Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
  • Two chapters short of a novel.
  • Two sheep short of a sweater.
  • Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
  • Vacancy on the top floor.
  • Validates my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • Vampires must love you, you’re such a pain in the neck.
  • Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
  • Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
  • Wasn’t strapped in during launch.
  • Watches “Beavis and Butthead” to learn vocabulary.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • When he opens his mouth, it’s only to change feet.
  • When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
  • When you get to the men’s room, you will see a sign that says “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
  • Where other people have a brain, he’s got resonance.
  • Whole lotta choppin’, but no chips a flyin’.
  • Why don’t you do something different with your hair, like wash it?
  • Words can’t describe your outfit, so I’ll just throw up.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
  • You can’t spell STUPID without U.
  • You grow on people, like a wart.
  • You know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.
  • You know what I like about your face? Me neither.
  • You never use your mind. You can’t use something you’ve never had.
  • You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.