How To Tell You Are Not A Good Cook

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  • Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.
  • The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.
  • Jack Kevorkian keeps writing asking for recipes.
  • The only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.
  • You now by law have to be authorized by the EPA to turn your stove on.
  • You’re leftovers don’t have an expiration date… they have a half life.
  • After all this time, it turns out recipes are calling for *chicken* eggs.
  • The first day in the kitchen you aimed to “toast the bread”. Then you tried working on “cut the bread”. Now it’s simply “stop the bleeding.”
  • The lobster climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book and proceeds to beat you with it.
  • Your Chicken a La King is served on a bed of gray hair.
  • The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.
  • Your meals look like the picture on the cover of Aviation Disaster Weekly magazine.
  • It doesn’t matter how long your food sticks around, fungus never seems to grow on it.
  • Your friends invite you out to their house for dinner or out to eat as an act of love.
  • You burn your water when you boil it.
  • Your taste buds have no sensation left in them.