Lame Paronomasia

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Paronomasia (par-uh-noh-mey-zhuh): the use of a word in different senses or the use of words similar in sound to achieve a specific effect, as humor or a dual meaning.

  • A 90° angle looks about right.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • A bear without teeth is also known as a gummy bear.
  • A bicycle can’t stand alone, it is two tired.
  • A Bohemian thrown out of a bar is known as a bounced Czech.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • A book fell on my head, but I only have my shelf to blame.
  • A Buddhist refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • A bus full of tortoises crashed into a train full of terrapins; it was a turtle disaster.
  • A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.
  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home, the details are sketchy.
  • A chemist was cooled to absolute zero in his lab, he’s OK now.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary is a thesaurus.
  • A dyslexic Atheist with insomnia will sit up all night wondering if there is a dog.
  • A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a coffee shop for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The barista knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the barista was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the counter. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,” replied the barista, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • A gang is going through town systematically stealing clothing in size order. The police believe they are still at large.
  • A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, which resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  • A Higgs-Boson particle walks into a church. The priest says, “we don’t allow Higgs-Bosons here.” The Higgs-Boson says, “but without me how would you have mass?”
  • A hungry lion wandered across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book and the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and ate him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
  • A man entered a local paper’s pun contest and sent in ten different puns hoping at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  • A man fell onto an upholstering machine and was immediately rushed to the hospital, a few hours later he was fully recovered.
  • A man goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a large, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “Why is it on a hubcap?” The waiter says, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”
  • A man goes to a psychiatrist and says “doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I’m a tepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a tepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
  • A man was admitted into the hospital yesterday for swallowing a dollar bill. They haven’t seen any change in him yet.
  • A man was hit on the head with a soda can; he was lucky it was a soft drink.
  • A man went to a seafood disco. He danced a lot, but then he pulled a mussel.
  • A man’s whole left side was cut off. He’s all right now.
  • A musical pod of whales is also known as an orcastra.
  • A New Year’s Resolution goes in one year and out the other.
  • A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  • A row of rabbits marching backwards is a receding hareline.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • A sleepwalking nun is also known as a roamin’ Catholic.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • A three–legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
  • A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • A woman has twins, but gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
  • Abraham Lincoln was the least guilty president because he was in a cent.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Alcohol and calculus don’t mix, so don’t drink and derive.
  • All the Asians in the world, but all I wanted was Yu.
  • An astronaut’s favorite key on the keyboard is the space bar.
  • An illegally parked frog: toad.
  • An Italian chef pasta way the other day.
  • After a dentist and a manicurist married, they fought tooth and nail.
  • Artificial macaroni is an impasta.
  • Astronomers got tired of watching the sun rotating in the sky for 24 hours, so they decided to call it a day.
  • Atheism is a non–prophet organization.
  • Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
  • Chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements, because if you can’t helium or curium, then you barium.
  • Constipated people don’t give a crap.
  • Coral get very stressed because they know all about current events.
  • Did you hear about the band called 1023 MB? Of course not, they haven’t had any gigs yet.
  • Don’t kiss anyone on January 1st, it’s only the first date.
  • Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
  • In language, double negatives are a no-no.
  • Eating clocks is really time consuming, especially when you go back four seconds.
  • Elevators are good until the last drop.
  • Elevators are inspiring, they pick me up when I’m down.
  • Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
  • Fish always sing off-key because you can’t tuna fish.
  • Fishing isn’t very fun with dubstep artists, they always drop the bass.
  • French people give me the crêpes.
  • Good Catholic moths give up shirts for lint.
  • Good pizza jokes are all about the delivery.
  • Grapes don’t say anything when they’re stepped on, but they do let out a little wine.
  • Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
  • Have you seen the movie Constipated? Never mind, it hasn’t come out yet.
  • Help! I have food stuck in my throat! Ha, just choking.
  • History is hard to understand, probably because it’s so outdated.
  • Hopefully the field trip to the Coca-Cola factory won’t have a pop quiz.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares today, going to the bathroom could spell trouble!
  • I always tried to wear tight jeans, but I could never pull them off.
  • I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
  • I can’t find my coat, I hope someone didn’t jacket!
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns, it was a play on words.
  • I got mugged by six dwarves today…Not Happy.
  • I had a joke about insanity, but then I lost it.
  • I have an eating disorder. I eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings and dis order of nuggets.
  • I’ve failed my math test so many times I’ve lost count!
  • I just told my Peter Pan joke again, never gets old.
  • I lost my mood ring, I’m not sure how I feel about it.
  • I put my grandma on speed dial, I call it Instagram.
  • I saw a kidnapping today, but I decided not to wake him.
  • I saw an ad for a used radio with the volume stuck on full. I though to myself, “well, I can’t turn that down!”
  • I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow, I hope she got my drift.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
  • I swallowed some food coloring yesterday. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  • I threw out my old vacuum cleaner the other day, it was just collecting dust.
  • I told a chemistry joke, there was no reaction.
  • I tried to catch some fog, I mist.
  • I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.
  • I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage with a sign that said “bread in captivity.”
  • I went to the zoo, but there was only a dog in it. It was a shitzu.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
  • I would like to thank my arms for always being at my side, my legs for always supporting me and my fingers because I can always count on them.
  • I’m glad I know sign language; it’s pretty handy!
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, I just can’t put it down.
  • If a chemist throws sodium chloride at someone, it’s considered a salt.
  • If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.
  • If Apple made a car, it probably wouldn’t have Windows.
  • If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
  • If words could kill, I’d sentence you to death.
  • If you’re a banker, I just want you to leave me a loan!
  • If you’re attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.
  • If you’re tired in geometry class, you’re probably just out of shape.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  • If you don’t like your haircut at first, it’ll grow on you.
  • If you ever can, try to attend an antenna’s wedding. They will have a great reception.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • If you take a laptop computer for a run it could jog your memory.
  • In my geometry class, I feel like I’m going in circles.
  • In today’s market, a company that specializes in attachments to bolts would just be nuts.
  • It’s a fact that taller people sleep longer in bed.
  • It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.
  • Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
  • My best astronomy jokes are from when I space out and never planet.
  • My chemistry experiment blew up, oxidants happen.
  • My friend has fallen in love with two handbags. He’s bisatchel.
  • My friend quit working at the donut factory because he was fed up with the whole business.
  • My friend threw a lamp at me, then told me to lighten up.
  • My friend is addicted to brake fluid; he says he can stop anytime.
  • My friend is a hardcore raver. She always wants me to rave with her, and won’t techno for an answer.
  • My jokes about pizza are too cheesy.
  • My math teacher won’t fart in public, he’s a private tutor.
  • My neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.
  • My recliner and I go way back.
  • Nitrogen, when exposed to the sunrise, becomes daytrogen.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  • Now that Mozart is dead, he decomposes.
  • One of the brownest and stickiest things ever is a stick.
  • Past, Present and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.
  • Peter Pan is always in flight because he Neverlands.
  • PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
  • Police are looking for the “knitting needle nutter” who stabbed 6 people. They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.
  • Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
  • Police were called to a day care where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Seagulls live by the sea because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
  • She told me I was average, but she was just being mean.
  • She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A–flat miner.
  • Some hipsters drowned the other day, they must have fallen into the mainstream.
  • The batteries were given out free of charge.
  • The best concert for 45 cents is 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
  • The best way to organize a space-themed party is to planet.
  • The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
  • The elevator business isn’t bad, it has its ups and downs.
  • The Energizer bunny was arrested recently and charged with battery.
  • The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • The Indians were here first because they had reservations.
  • The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were so many knights.
  • The midget fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  • The scarecrow got an award because he was out standing in his field.
  • The scientist who helped insomniacs with centrifuge therapy is very controversial. Many people like his methods, but others say he’s just spinning a yawn.
  • The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • The whoopee cushion is the seat of all humor.
  • There aren’t any good jokes about unemployed people because none of them work.
  • There was a shootout at JC Penney, there were many casual tees.
  • There was a song about a tortilla I heard once. Actually, it was more of a wrap.
  • They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’ve never met herbivore.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
  • To make holy water you have to boil the hell out of it.
  • To steal someone’s coffee is also known as mugging.
  • To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.
  • Trigonometry students divide sin by tan just cos.
  • Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive.”
  • Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one was the lesser of two weevils.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a wooden kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the boat it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  • Two fish are in a tank, one of them asks “how do you drive this thing?”
  • Two fish swam into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and says ‘Dam!’
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
  • Two spiders met, got married and are now newly webs.
  • Velcro is a complete ripoff.
  • What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison
  • When a parsley farmer is sued, they garnish his wages.
  • When Bambi’s mom died, a lot of people lost a deer friend.
  • When cannibals eat a missionary, they get a taste of religion.
  • When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  • When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • When you’re out of coffee, you have depresso.
  • When you’re wearing a watch on an airplane, time flies.
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  • Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • Yesterday a clown held the door open for me, it was a nice jester.
  • You’re living, you occupy space and you have mass. What that means is that you matter.
  • You’re stuck with your debt if you can’t budget.
  • You can’t hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom because the “P” is silent.
  • You can’t run past a campground, you can only ran because it’s past tents.
  • You haven’t heard about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well!
  • You should read my novel about the undertaker with the small cemetery. It’s not too big on plot, but it’s very deep.
  • You think I should study for my test? No thanks, I’ll pass.
  • Your nose is in the middle of your face because it’s the scenter.