The Ten Types Of Boyfriends

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  • Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
    • Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Soft-Boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
    • Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
    • Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
  • Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
    • Also known as: Grumbles, Sourpuss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.
    • Advantages: Stays put, predictable.
    • Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.
  • Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
    • Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey You.
    • Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
    • Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.
  • The Jerk – “Shaddup and get back in the house!”
    • Also known as: Trophy Man, Abuser, I Don’t Talk About Him
    • Advantages: Takes charge when needed.
    • Disadvantages: Takes charge when not needed.
  • Geek – “Technically, I love you.”
    • Also known as: Nerd, Pizzaface, Dweeb
    • Advantages: Good at solving problems, not much competition to get.
    • Disadvantages: Social grace nonexistent, crawls inside head too much.
  • Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
    • Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb.
    • Advantages: Can tote bales, is easily fooled.
    • Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
  • Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
    • Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
    • Advantages: Well rested, easy target.
    • Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
  • The Sneak – “Who, me?”
    • Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime.
    • Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
    • Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.
  • Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
    • Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
    • Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
    • Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.
  • The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but…”
    • Also known as: Struggling Artist, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
    • Advantages: Tells good stories.
    • Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus.”