Homes 201: Relationships

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Homes 103: When Moving

Romantic relationships only succeed with a lifestyle supporting it

You’re pursuing intimacy with someone else and their awareness, so make sure you’re aware of yourself first

General unhappiness will discourage everyone else, so you should be in a general state of happiness without a partner

  • Never believe a relationship can inherently improve your happiness
  • Relationships don’t make people happy but do add more of whatever you usually feel
  • Happy people naturally develop a hatred for unhappy people

You must wisely manage money to date anyone, especially if you’re a male

Your greatest physical attractiveness comes through your health

Beyond looks, attractiveness often ties to success

You should know how to manage your home

You must have all your needs met by other friends

  • Boundaries are more difficult to enforce when you’re miserable
  • If your life doesn’t feel full without a mate, you’ll make more desperate and reckless decisions

Compatibility is highly subjective

Contrary to popular opinion, compatibility tests don’t contribute to relationship happiness

  • Less compatible elements create more conflicts to work through but also more collective experiences to pull from
  • Since everyone has unique attributes and preferences, you can’t prepare for a relationship or rely on expectations

Focus most on what matters to you instead of believing others’ perspectives or an algorithm

Respect others for who they are, not what they could be

Compare and contrast yourself and a potential date

Emotional temperament

  • How do you/they see themselves?
  • Are there any clear addictions?
  • How happy are you/they about the present and the future?
  • How much emotional energy do you/they have?
  • How likely are you/they likely to blame others for problems or failures?
  • How much romantic passion and sensual desire do you/they naturally show?

Social style

  • How much moral character do you/they have (integrity, honesty, fairness)?
  • How capable are you/they for sensitivity and empathy?
  • How much do you/they need to control or be in control?
  • How much do you/they want to be around other people?
  • How much do you/they make personal time more important than intimate time?
  • How quickly do you/they compromise and adjust to circumstances?

Prevailing mentality and thinking

  • How intelligent are you/they?
  • How much do you/they need details and are curious about new things?
  • How is your/their sense of humor?
  • How creative and artistically driven are you/they?

Lifestyle

  • How much energy in day-to-day life do you/they use? Do you/they enjoy physically challenging activities?
  • How much interest and enjoyment do you/they get out of the physical act of sex?
  • What is your/their attitude towards the general state of physical health?
  • What is your/their desire regarding safely and securely raising a family?
  • How efficient, productive and driven towards self-improvement are you/they?
  • How physically attractive do you/they feel?

Current relationship skills

  • How well do you/they verbalize thoughts and feelings, ask questions and compare/contrast?
    • How interested are you/they in communicating?
    • How capable are you/they of communicating?
  • How capable are you/they at reducing damage from anger?
  • How capable are you/they in expressing all emotions honestly and constructively?
  • How well can you/they control mood and feelings?
  • What is your/their conflict management style?
    • How respectful are you/they of others in conflicts?
    • How well can you/they drop a resolved issue?

Values and beliefs

  • How important is spiritual expression and beliefs to you/them?
  • How interested are you/they in parenting and raising children?
  • How traditional are you/they?
    • How important are morality and personal values to you/them?
    • How much do you/they want to be involved in church?
    • What religious beliefs do you/they have and how do they affect day-to-day life?
  • How ambitious and driven to personal success are you/they?
  • How much do you/they desire to give back to communities and behave ethically?

Background

  • How healthy a family did you/they come from and how do you/they see their overall health?
    • How close are you/they to family and how much involvement do they have in life?
  • How educated are you/they, and how important do you/they see it?
  • How much are they willing to change to have a relationship?
  • How many past relationships did you/they have, how did they go, and why did they end?
  • What kinds of friends do you/they have? Are they healthy?

An ideal mate always has the following characteristics

  • Genuinely willing to change, even with multiple other risks
  • Openly communicates without defensiveness or jumping to conclusions
  • Trustworthy and a proven record of loyalty
  • You share a natural intimacy and sense of humor
  • Emotionally stable
  • Stays true to their moral values, even if they differ from yours
  • Encouraging and supportive of others’ success
  • Shares at least some interests and hobbies with you
  • You both respect each other’s lives, decisions, and opinions about the future

Age differences

  • An age gap is usually fine, but often comes with a maturity gap
  • Significant age differences have more risks of misunderstood cultural norms and taboos
  • Younger people have risks and benefits
    • Usually more attractive, more easily impressed, and often with fewer poor relationship experiences
    • At the same time, younger people are often too dependent, demanding, inexperienced, unintelligent, boring, and unprepared for some of life’s challenges
  • Older people are usually great dates
    • Usually independent and interesting
    • At the same time, older people are often jaded about life and can have a power struggle if the female is significantly older than the male
  • If you don’t like an older person back who’s flirting with you, politely call them “sir” or “ma’am”

Hunt for potential dates

Watch for body language cues indicating physical attraction and interest

  • Universal
    • When meeting, eyebrows rise and then come back down
    • Slightly longer and more focused eye contact than normal
      • Pupils will dilate 45%  larger while looking at someone they’re interested in
      • 4.5 seconds average is typical, but 8.2 seconds average shows interest
      • More time looking at the other person’s lips
    • Body language mirrors the other person
      • Watch if they follow when you change position or yawn after you
    • Facing the body more toward that person
    • Genuine smiles which crinkle the side of the face
    • Laughing frequently with you, even if you weren’t that funny
  • Men – any gesture to appear larger
    • Slightly flared nostrils, lips sometimes slightly parted
    • Legs spread shoulder-width apart
    • Stretching, wide arm gestures
    • Chest pushed out and stomach pulled in
    • Head tilted slightly to one side
    • Hands at sides or with thumbs tucked into pockets
    • Adjusting collars, sleeves, or socks
    • Smoothing hair
  • Women – any gesture to appear more alluring
    • Generally much more subtle than men’s actions
    • Sits with one leg pressed on top of the other with a hand on the thigh
    • Exposes neck and wrist skin more
    • Tosses hair, intimate gazing
    • Brings up a movie she wants to watch or place she wants to go

Search everywhere for a good date

  • Network with family and friends
  • Pursue things you enjoy
  • Join others with the same need
  • Invite people to your home
  • Visit a formal dating event or website
    • Increase your chances with a great-looking photo of yourself that showcases your personality
    • Since they’re dating you and not your friends, don’t use group photos
    • Avoid standard greetings like “hey, how are you?”

Watch for people who “friend-zone” you

  • A friend-zone is where someone you’ve expressed interest with doesn’t reciprocate, but they still want you around
    • Sometimes a person will vacillate between appearing interested and disinterested
      • They are either playing mind games or don’t know what they want
  • Women friend-zone more often than men
  • You’re worth more than having to earn someone’s affection and should avoid too much time with them
  • Ask your unrequited crush about connecting you with one of their friends
    • If they don’t like you they’ll oblige
    • If they like you, they’ll change their mind about you out of jealousy

If you’re not finding anyone interested in you, ask yourself why

Are you exposing yourself to enough people?

Are you doing something unattractive?

  • 80% of a woman’s first impression comes from whether a man is slouching
  • Look cleaner and more well-groomed
  • The most attractive color to wear is black for men and red for women

What can you change about yourself to be more attractive?

  • Learn to be more charming
  • People are more attracted to someone that looks like their opposite gender parent
  • Similarities in many different things
  • Being tall, generally
  • Staring and making direct eye contact
  • Having a pet or playing a musical instrument, most of the time
  • Both smelling nice or the smell of body odor in many contexts
  • Smiling more often
  • Wearing bright red
  • Sharing walking pace with others
  • Facial hair in men

Ask friends for their sincere input

Have the right mindset for dating

Date to learn, not for lifetime commitments

  • Going out with people you usually wouldn’t
  • Broadening your worldview when dating helps you discover the kind of person you prefer

Walk into every relationship intentionally with a list of what you want in a future partner

  • Feelings can waver, but guidelines can’t

Don’t hold any expectations about them, especially from prior experiences

  • Don’t expect them to make you happy
  • Measuring someone based on someone else isn’t fair or reasonable
  • If you’re looking for perfection, you won’t accept anyone because nobody is perfect

Keep yourself sexually pure

  • No sexual experience is ever worth its costs outside of marriage
  • Even if you feel desperate, sex with strangers is never worth the emotional pain or risks of sexually transmitted diseases that follow it
  • Sex allows people to “reset” their thinking of their partner, and sex while dating inhibits sorting out legitimate conflicts

Falling in love is a terrible way to make romantic decisions

Contrary to popular stories, most successful relationships are never “love at first sight”

  • Many of the things people do in most romance stories are either unhealthy or morally wrong
  • Believing in “true love” romance stories has been scientifically proven to give you less success in relationships

Falling in love is seeing the person as wholly, thoroughly, utterly perfect for you

  • The feeling of being in love is inherently unreasonable, close-minded, and emotionally reckless
  • People usually fail to see when they have fallen in love
  • You can discover if you’ve fallen in love by how much you’re listening to others’ well-reasoned criticism

Follow some universal rules for dating

You can only love them as much as you love yourself

  • If you can’t love yourself, you’ll share your self-hatred with them

You must have fun with them

  • You both should want to spend time together
  • Your priority is to make friends, not sexual conquest

Give them gifts to show your affection for them

  • Make little things for them or show you’re thinking of them
    • Make handwritten notes or romantic cards
    • Get two romantic cards and write the inscription from the first card into the second
    • Put notes or money inside a clear balloon with glitter and inflate it
    • Plot (x^2 + y^2 -1)^3 – x^2*y^3 = 0 on a graph to make a heart
    • Flowers or chocolates (for men to give)
    • Look at a woman’s Pinterest account to find out what she likes
    • Send a heart-shaped pizza to them
  • Don’t give anything too expensive
    • Expensive gifts can create an artificial attraction where they’ll only like you while you keep giving gifts

Focus more on their needs, not yours

  • Think of the relationship as 60/40, not 50/50
  • Learn and try to fulfill their best interests

Be genuine with them

  • Pretending to be someone else makes intimacy impossible in the long-term
  • Most natural chemistry comes from differences, which are the most exciting and enjoyable part of dating

Set standards on how far you’ll physically go on each date

  • It’s not a question of if you cross those boundaries, but when you cross them

Instead of a movie-and-dinner date, try something more fun

  • Have dinner after the movie to allow time to discuss it
  • Create memories of them with you in fun places if you want them to see you as fun
    • Try anything new to you or them
    • Go bowling with them or visit a golf driving range
    • Go target shooting with guns or archery
    • Rent motorcycles or bicycles
    • Go hang-gliding
    • Rent kayaks or a canoe
    • Hike in the woods or mountains
    • Play in the snow
    • Visit a museum, conservatory or zoo
    • Have a picnic
    • Roller or ice skating
    • Visit local festivals, concerts, art presentations or community events
    • Go yard sale or thrift store shopping
    • Take a college, dancing or art class together
    • Try wine tasting
    • Volunteer together
    • Go on a hot air balloon ride
  • Try completely bold ideas for an unconventional relationship
    • Go driving and flip a coin at every intersection to turn left or right
    • Write clues on pieces of paper and hide them to make a treasure hunt with a gift at the end
    • Geo-hash together
  • Go to more intimate date settings to show you’re serious
    • Share a spa treatment and massage
    • Go stargazing
    • Have a photoshoot together
    • Travel on a long-distance train
    • Tour Christmas lights in your area
    • Go to the park and talk
  • Show you’re open and genuine by doing something at home
    • Make a home-cooked meal with romantic candles
    • Give a massage
    • Watch an old movie marathon
    • Blow up a kids pool and fill it with blankets or pillows for an outdoor date
  • Have fun with friends with double dates

Pay attention to your date

Observe how they respond to you

  • Stare at their eyes for a few seconds longer than usual to see if they return the attraction
  • Focus less on what they say and more on what they do
  • Share intimate details and observe how they respond
  • Look at how often they’re checking their phone

Keep your priorities straight when following up for future dates

  • Someone with quirks that annoy you will only become more annoying as you get to know them
  • If they disrespect you remove them from your life since it will just get worse

Stay in contact with them consistently if they’re worth it

  • Wait a day or two before calling them again after the first date
  • Within 2-3 weeks, you should discuss more controversial issues like religion and politics
  • Discuss past relationships after at least a month
  • Discuss thoughts about money after 2-3 months dating them
  • Bring your date around friends and family to learn more about them and to get input from others after 2-3 months

Drop your connection immediately if you see any warning signs

  • Meeting needs with you that they should meet elsewhere
    • As a general rule, one person can only meet 80% of another’s needs
    • Don’t have the right support network of family or friends and think a relationship will solve their problems
    • Feels the need to help others but uses a relationship to satisfy it from not finding a proper outlet
    • Fearful of being lonely and chooses someone as a physical presence to prevent it
    • Deep psychological issues from upbringing and brings those unmet needs and unclear expectations into the relationship
  • Distorted view of the world
    • Tries to control more than they should
      • You might find manipulative behavior attractive, but it will harm you
      • Even if you pity their lack of self-control, they’re still hurting others without consequence
      • If they don’t care about hurting you now, it won’t change later
    • They are overly jealous
      • Jealous or possessive after only a few dates
      • Jealousy is a warning of crippling insecurities
      • Their jealousy may go beyond romantic relationships to strong family bonds or completely platonic friends
      • The easiest way to detect jealousy is if they sever your ties with someone else without discussing it with you
    • Over-reliant on you for everything
      • You will become the other half of a destructive and overly enmeshed codependent life
    • Distorted sense of gender identity
      • Hypersensitive about themselves or their image
      • Insecure male identities hold to rigid roles without discussion, extreme jealousy, and overly controlling the situation
      • Insecure female identities deceive everyone, subvert authority, and rapidly blame others
  • Selfishly using you
    • Overly self-absorbed or undermining others around them
      • A relationship often leads to marriage, which is a team dynamic
      • Relationships can’t work with competition among each other, especially with how vastly different males and females are
      • A conceited person doesn’t believe in promoting others over themselves, which sabotages the team
    • Can’t admit being wrong or failing
      • Many people delude themselves to believe it’s a requirement of success
      • Small conflicts today can often show what larger ones will look like in the future
    • Loves the concept of being with you more than you as a person
      • Getting needs met through you without considering your feelings is a form of abuse
  • Personal life is a mess
    • Miserable
      • If they’re not having fun when they should, they’re not ready for a relationship
      • Looking at personal issues is great, but not when everyone else is having fun
    • No personal goals or ambitions
      • We all need goals and purpose and become stagnant and lazy without them
      • If they quickly change to like what you like, they haven’t clarified what they like in themselves
      • Preferences are tied to motivation and can only resolve through self-discovery
      • You’re wasting your time to wait for them to change their mind, and a breakup might inspire that change
    • Reckless with their money, resources or body
      • If they disrespect themselves to neglect self-maintenance or shun restraint, they won’t respect your boundaries either
      • If they have no sense of wellness or balance, they’ll expect you to perpetually maintain their stability
      • Any recklessness or extreme behavior is usually a sign of addiction, which means they’ll always prioritize their substance over you
    • Consistently compromises their moral values
      • If they disrespect their morals, they won’t respect yours
      • They may lie about many seemingly unimportant things
      • Someone with a history of cheating might cheat on you as well
  • Poor relationships with others
    • A person will likely mistreat you someday as much as others right now
      • Everyone treats a new relationship well, but long-term relationships and positions of influence show true character
      • Look at how they treat children, animals, service workers, and anyone else they have control over
      • Look at how much they love their children, if they have them
    • Can’t be genuine and authentic with anyone
      • They might be fun to be around, but they won’t endure through life’s hardships
      • The most dangerous inauthentic person is both highly charming and psychologically abusive
    • Doesn’t maintain long-term friendships
      • A romantic relationship is a more intimate friendship, which hurts worse than a typical friendship
      • They will need someone to vent about you with
      • They have a chronic psychological issue if they can’t keep friendships
    • Poor relationships with their parents
      • Mistreating parents shows a likely disrespect for authority and you
      • Unwillingness to cut unhealthy family connections shows signs of codependency
      • However, if they’ve distanced themselves from an unhealthy family dynamic, it may show signs of personal strength
  • Your relationship has to be a secret
    • If you or your partner must withhold information about the relationship from others, ask why you need to hide it
  • Friends and parents opposed to the relationship
    • You will either lose the relationship or everyone opposed to the relationship
  • No attraction or one side doesn’t feel much attraction
    • Relationships need mutual physical, emotional, and natural attraction
    • If someone isn’t attracted, that person is abusing the relationship to meet needs
    • They might be attracted, but will show it so differently than you prefer that you don’t feel it

Relationships don’t have a predictable timing for developing

If you give constant and immediate relationship updates to all of your friends, the situation might get more complicated

Some cultures believe marriages ought to happen months from meeting while others think people should date 3-5 years before thinking about it

  • Thoroughly knowing someone takes 2-4 years, but both of you can have a great marriage earlier than that with enough insight and wisdom

Many societies imply a relationship is a testing ground for marriage

  • A relationship is a no-commitment dynamic, while marriage is lifelong
  • Later, society selfishly or senselessly pressures married couples to have children in the same way

Your biological clock will probably tell you to hurry up

  • The relationship must form naturally, so don’t rush it
    • If you’re not in a steady relationship with that person, don’t be afraid to keep dating around
    • Feelings and desire are more likely to dictate quickly formed relationships than values and chemistry
    • The other person trying to rush the relationship might have control or codependency issues
  • Take the time to get to know their friends, values, family, faith, and anything else you can learn about them

Sometimes, a hopeful romantic relationship can only be non-romantic

Going deeper into a relationship changes the dynamic

Never stop working on the relationship

  • Treat the relationship as a responsibility or duty, not an experience or a game
  • A relationship which goes well becomes a permanent commitment where you’re dating them for the rest of your life

Make them a priority

  • Greet them with a hug or kiss
  • Learn to listen to them actively
  • Make quality time a routine with them, even when you’re not on a date
  • Give them routine gifts and random demonstrations of love
    • Averaged out, men should give a gift approximately once a month
  • Document your lives together
    • Take photos of each other
    • Save love letters and poems
    • Create memories together by going to memorable places
  • Laugh with them regularly

All relationships build on trust

  • Like everyone else, you’re secretly a weird person
  • Open up to them slowly to see how they respond to your eccentricities
  • If you don’t let them in your life, they have no reason to open up to you either
    • Ask how their day was
    • Take care of things they don’t like to do
    • Affirm what you think of them
  • Expose them to your daily routines
    • Go shopping with them
    • Run errands with them
    • Visit friends with them around

Trust-based communication is the answer to every relationship problem

  • Agree to speak up when things aren’t right
  • Consistently affirm your feelings for them
  • Discuss your financial goals and finances openly, even before you’re married
  • Learn to be transparent with each other by inspiring each other to open up
  • Ask for advice consistently from them
  • Learn the best timing to bring up thoughts and critical topics

You’ll eventually share your relationship with God

  • Only date within your religious views
  • If you believe in a different god or don’t believe in one, major life decisions become philosophically discordant, especially with children
  • Pray consistently for them

Don’t compare your relationship to others

  • Everyone comes from a different background with problems you’re not aware of
  • Everyone else will likely compare their relationship to yours, but ignore it

Don’t have sex before marriage

  • Sex requires compassion, commitment, intimate love, and biologically connects you with that person permanently
    • That sexual connection persists as a permanent sore spot in memory if you ever break up
  • Sex helps people think less about their problems with each other and prevents marital bickering
    • Sex outside of marriage sidesteps significant conflicts which you should address now

Learn which of the Five Love Languages you both prefer

  • Not everyone gives and receives the same love languages, though they tend to express what they’d prefer to receive (usually 2-3)
    • Quality time together – without distractions or interruptions
    • Affirming statements – positive non-critical things about the person or what they do
    • Acts of service – things that improve quality of life for them
    • Physical touch – intentional and gentle contact with each other
    • Physical gifts – doesn’t have to be expensive, but must be meaningful in intent

Honor their boundaries

  • Be emotionally supportive and emotionally available whenever you can
  • Comfort them about their fears even if you can’t identify with them
  • When they’re not around, behave as if they were
  • Observe what irritates them and avoid doing those things around them
  • Doing absolutely everything together is dangerous because it can foster codependency

Each gender has challenges with the other

Your partner is both equal and comes from a different perspective

  • Men and women are distinctly different
    • Though many post-modernists debate gender, our biological design is always male or female with statistically irrelevant mixtures
  • Men tend neurologically toward conventionally masculine thinking
    • Focused on accomplishing and completing projects
    • Compartmentalized thinking with groups and categories for everything
    • Gets more stuff done than women
    • Makes decisions with the following
      1. Logically constructs possible options based on reasoning and experience
      2. Makes a guided decision based on the information
      3. Heads toward the goal until finding new information, the situation changes or inescapable failure
  • Men tend neurologically toward conventionally feminine thinking
    • Focused on beauty and aesthetic
    • Connected thinking with every thought stringing together to another thought
    • Smarter than men
    • Makes decisions with the following
      1. Logically constructs possible options based on feelings and experience
      2. Makes a guided decision based on the information
      3. Revisits the idea later on without provocation to consider new possibilities
  • The two genders work best with the men making the ultimate decisions and the women supporting them
    • Third-wave feminism insists that women have men’s roles, but females are far too risk-averse and intelligent
    • Reversing conventional male-female roles never work
      • Men aren’t smart enough to consider as many options or re-open past decisions
      • Women aren’t sufficiently focused or determined to execute pre-determined plans without further investigation

Men have to learn to be more emotionally involved

  • Values her for her beauty and for who she is
    • Opens the door for her
    • Calls her beautiful and other pleasant things
    • Performs small gestures of kindness for her
  • Actively listens, but doesn’t try to fix everything she vents about
  • Gives at least two months’ notice before making any major life decision, including a marriage proposal
  • Contributes to the relationship regularly
    • Unafraid of discussions about the relationship
    • Willingness to change bad behaviors
  • Shows a desire for closeness by opening up emotionally
    • Shows a sensitive and caring side, especially when upset
    • Restates affirmations without being prompted
    • Learns to value the context of the situation more than the content
  • Gives intimate time with consistent eye contact
  • Takes care of himself for her sake
  • Show physical, non-sexual affection

Women have to scale back their emotional intensity

  • Gives space and respects his need for occasional space
  • Accepts him for who he is and not what she wants him to be
  • Openly shares concerns without expecting him to understand implications
  • Compliments and supports his decisions
    • Lets his decision be the final one, even if he’s wrong
  • Avoids being easily offended or hurt by things he says and does
    • Understands he understands content more than context

Learn to have good conflicts with them

A. Raise your issues early instead of over-thinking it

  • Come into it expecting they want to resolve the conflict
  • If you hold a grudge against them, they have every reason do the same

B. Make sure the timing of the disagreement is appropriate

  • It should be in private, away from where it can involve others
  • Leave everyone else out of it

C. Stay on the topic at hand

  • Conflicts are a battle against an issue, not between you and your partner
  • Be honest with your thoughts and feelings
    • Staying distant or closed off will motivate them to do the same
    • Being melodramatic about your feelings makes it hard for them to take you seriously
  • If you do get frustrated or angry at them, own up to your feelings
    • Avoid walking out or putting up a wall
    • If it gets too emotional, ask to postpone the discussion or for time to calm down

D. Respect their views

  • Listen to them
  • Try to be correct instead of right
    • Be very quick to admit you’re wrong and try to find how you might be wrong
  • Make sure that both sides have the same definitions for words
  • Apologize when you hurt them and forgive them when they hurt you

E. Agree with an action plan to resolve the issue

  • Keep a record of what they’ve done right and improved on, not on what they’ve done wrong

F. Emphasize your love for them

  • Do things to affirm you love them and that the conflict isn’t the end of the relationship
  • Keep envelopes for the two of you to open at awkward times (e.g., sad, angry, need a hug)

End relationships correctly

Leave relationships for the right reasons

  • You don’t see a future with them
  • They feel more like a burden to you than a benefit
  • Their lifestyle is changing differently than yours
  • They’re cheating on you
    • If you’re not sure they’re cheating on you, send them flowers anonymously and see if they come home without them

Move on if they’ve broken up with you

  • Try to ignore frustration attraction, where they’re even more attractive because they dumped you
  • That person has made a decision, and trying to get back in a relationship with them is overstepping your boundaries

A breakup is usually intense, so do it in person

Don’t have another relationship for over a year

  • It takes 12-18 months to get over the brain’s romantic chemical state
  • Multiple relationships significantly alter your brain’s wiring and increase the chances of unfaithfulness in the future
  • Find support from your friends and family and take the time to heal

If you believe you can spend the rest of your life with that person, get married

You should seriously consider if you want to marry someone after about a year

Marriage is a huge decision, but a good thing

  • It’s the foundation for a family
  • Society sees it as great, no matter where
  • Even with parents who don’t approve, a bad marriage can still recover into a good marriage

Many people get married for horrible reasons

  • You feel the other person is necessary for you to live
  • You’ve spent a long time with them and think life would be easier
  • You don’t feel right and imagine a marriage will resolve that unease
  • The other person is wealthy
  • You see a friendship with them forever, even if you have significant unresolved issues with them
  • You both share children and want to get married to hide your shame

There are four levels of involvement in deciding to marry someone

  1. Passively let the other person decide whether it’s a good idea
  2. Let feelings and sentiments determine whether it’s a good idea
    • Fear of being alone and never settling down
    • Love for someone and desire for the mutual best for both of you
  3. Following gut instinct irrespective of logic and feelings
  4. Thinking it through with analysis, consideration, and weighing out pros and cons
    • Decide with a full understanding of its consequences
    • Find non-negotiable lines that will end the relationship for you
      • What they absolutely must value or believe for you to be happy
      • What they absolutely must do for you to be satisfied
    • The best way to discover the truth is to find the thoughts that led to your gut instincts

If you’re sure you want to get married, don’t hesitate

Next: Homes 202: Marriage