New Company Policies

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Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
(1) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need
a raise.
(2) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a raise.
(3) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year; they are called
Saturdays and Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.